The Aftermath

I don't like math, fortunately for everyone reading this – this post isn't about math. You’ve probably noticed that there haven’t been too many posts from me lately and while I don’t like to make excuses, normally, I will say that I have been sick for the past few weeks and just didn’t feel that everyone reading this would be interested in projectile vomiting. By the way, for all that are interested, projectile vomiting is a great way to spend a Sunday. Just find the strongest Antibiotic on the market, Avelox, take it, and SHAZAM!!!

Well enough about bad decisions, let’s get to actually writing. I wanted to take some time today to tackle a really difficult subject. Something that for me goes back to childhood and in others brings out emotions, so heated and unexplainable that it’s really difficult to fathom why it disturbs them so much. Yes, I’m talking about the world of professional Wrestling.

First off, a disclaimer: YES I KNOW THE OUTCOMES ARE PREDETERMINED, EVERYONE KNOWS THEY ARE. THE PERFORMERS PRACTICE THE MOVES AND WORK AT THEM TO MAKE THEM AS SAFE AS POSSIBLE, THAT HAS BEEN MY UNDERSTANDING FOR AT LEAST 20 GODDAMN YEARS.

But really, please get over yourselves, why are you still trying to ruin it for others. Did you get body slammed by Andre the Giant when you were a kid and you still haven’t gotten over it? Did the Million Dollar Man offer you a cold $1000 dollars to bounce a basketball 20 times only to smack the ball out of your hand on the 20th bounce? Did Chris Beniot murder your entire family and… oh wait – too soon? I mean really what is it? And while the world of professional Wrestling, or Rasslin’ may be fake would it be any surprise that people in the biz get injured all the time or is it even fair to say that they are real athletes. I would give that a resounding hell ya! This is however not the reason I write this entry. I’m writing this entry to stress my general disdain for what I have been seeing lately when I watch the WWE.

To preface this I think I should note my history with professional Wrestling. I grew up with the WWF now the WWE. I remember watching Jake the Snake, JYD, The British Bulldogs, the Hart Foundation, etc. on the videos that my parents would bring home and then later moving along to watching the WWF on broadcast TV. I ate up every minute of it and as I grew up my love for the medium never waned, even after I learned of its deception. Over the years, I have taken hiatuses from watching the beloved heroes and villains of the WWF/E. Sadly, I missed the hubbub that was Stone Cold Steve Austin and just caught the tail end of the Rock’s impressive career.

Recently, I have again taken an interest in watching rasslin’ on a weekly basis, but for some reason, it’s just not the same. Now, you can insist that I’m older and wiser and all that bull, but honestly this new batch of Superstars is missing something, and I think I know just what it is.

Before I go knocking on these youngins, as some of them are, a bit of praise: a LOT of the new talent have AMAZING skills in the ring. One particular standout is John Morrison, that kid has more tricks up his sleeves than Mark Wilson. And while telling a great story in the ring is very important, the most dynamic Wrestlers that really wow audiences generally aren’t that great in the ring.

Who do you think of when you think of the greatest Wrestlers of our time: Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Ric Flair, The Ultimate Warrior, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock? Now if you go back and actually watch them working a match, they don’t really have the greatest of ring skills, with exception of Ric Flair and MAYBE Steve Austin. I don’t say this to put them down. I say this because you don’t have to be a master ring tactician to win the hearts of your audience. Wrestling, isn’t just about wrestling, it’s about entertainment. As a Wrestler, you shouldn’t JUST be worried about your in ring work. One of the major factors is how entertaining you are outside of the ring. When Hulk Hogan told me he was going to say his prayers and eat his vitmans, I believed him. When Andre the Giant said he would come out to destroy all challengers, I was convinced. I knew that Ric Flair was a Limosine ridin, jet flyin, kiss stealin, wheelin, dealin, stylin and profilin son of a gun! When the Ultimate Warrior said, whatever it is that he said, I knew there was some badness going down. Stone Cold Steve Austin? One mean SOB, and oh yeah I could smell what the Rock was cooking. In the 80s we had some many of these dynamic characters aside from just Hogan, Flair, Andre, and the Warrior, we had Rowdy Roddy Piper, still one of the best heels of our time; the Macho Man Randy Savage; the Million Dollar Man, close on the heels of Piper, pun intended (btw for those that don’t know heel is rasslin’ lingo for no good nick); Jake the Snake; Bobby the Brain Heenan; Jimmy Snuka; the Iron Shiek; the mouth of the south Jimmy Hart; Hillbilly Jim; the list could go on and on. Even into the 90s the great characters continued to thrive, with the introduction of the Undertaker, Razor Ramon, Diesel, the rise of Bret the Hitman Hart and Shawn Michaels in singles completion. When these characters said something, they had the confidence, the arrogance and the attitude to be believed.

This new batch can barely get through a sentence without misspeaking or their voice quivering like some lost lamb in the middle of a crowd of 100,000 wolves. Even some of the real seasoned Wrestlers *cough*Edge*cough* still can’t get through a decent monologue.

On a side note, it’s so good to see Christian back in the WWE. While he was never the better looking of the two when he used to tag with Edge, he weaves of tapestry of brilliance when he’s on the mic. If the WWE would only utilize him, he could possibly be one of the greatest heels of all time.

Sorry back on course. Look I am not trying to tell anyone how to do their job, far be it from me to talk about an industry I have never worked in before, but I do know what I find to be entertaining. I see being a confidant public speaker as the missing piece of the puzzle that could possibly put professional Wrestling back up to its rightful place in pop culture.

One final note, “what’s up,” is not a catch phrase.

Tin Foil Hat Time

There are many out there with the belief that the numerous mysterious events of our time can be explained by certain conspiracies; created by the government, outside groups trying to rein in the government or aliens. The latest conspiracy, I’ve heard about, came from the recent Michael Jackson debacle. Personally, I didn’t really go there immediately; my grieving process for dead celebrities usually starts with very inappropriate jokes, moves on to embarrassed reflection (do I really care about this person or did they affect my life in anyway) and then usually ends with me saying, “why am I spending so much time and energy on something that is really not that import to me.”

Now I understand, the passing of any human being shouldn’t be made light of; however, I don’t go through the obituaries everyday to look for normal people who die and reflect on them. Why should celebrities be anymore important? That aside considering conspiracy doesn’t usually happen in my process.

A good friend brought up the idea of conspiracy today and I actually cooked up, what I thought was a great conspiracy theory. By the way, if I and this blog disappear in the next couple of days, just know, I was right. So here it goes: I’m beginning to believe there may be a “secret society” within the super rich that will, if things go wrong and it turns out that, the celebrity, CEO, millionaire trust fund baby, etc. squanders all their riches — has kids and realizes that they will have nothing to leave their children when they die; this “secret society” will offer the individual death in exchange to set their child up for life. The only thing I haven’t really come up with is why they do it; but after typing that out I think it could be a great movie directed by the guy from Donnie Darko, that way the “why they are doing it” doesn’t have to may sense.

Ugh… That’s all for now. Haven’t been feeling well all week so you’re lucky to get this! :P Please keep the critiques coming!